Northern Lights

Here it goes:

1. Many single SSA guys fear or hate dating for a variety of reasons. Dating presents unique challenges for SSA guys. Could you summarize your dating life while you were single ( i.e., did you date a lot?)?

I didn’t really date much until my freshman year of college. Before that, I dated a little, but with no focus on or interest in the girls I was dating–it was more of a casual friendship sort of thing. But my freshman year of college, a good friend of mine who knew about my struggles (all right, all right, it was Leslie–this is before she could actually envision us as a couple) suggested that it was time that I maybe got a girlfriend. And, very simply, I realized she was right. I knew I wanted to get married. I knew I wanted a family. And so, clearly, a step in that process was trying out a relationship.

Suddenly, with that simple shift in mind-set, my interactions with girls took on a whole new meaning. “Dating” (a term I use very loosely, because like many guys in this day and age, I was a die-hard “hang-outer” and not a traditional dater) became a process of selection as opposed to what it formerly was: a mere front by which I could stave off inquiries by roommates about my situation with chicks, and a way to not be completely bored. I wanted to get a girlfriend. I wanted to see what that was like, and I wanted it to be real.

After several months of having this objective in my mind, I found a girl. Leslie (who had point-blank told me that she refused to be an option in this particular quest) had left the college we were attending a semester early to move on to another school, but I continued to come around to her apartment to hang out with her roommate/best friend, whom I started to take a particular interest in. It wasn’t long before we started to stay out late together, share goals and secrets, talk on the phone into all hours of the night, and then, finally, express our mutual feelings of attraction to one another.

I was not being disingenuous. I honestly felt feelings for this girl. And I was very honest with her. I explained that my feelings were fickle, and that there were times when I didn’t really “feel” the relationship, and yet there were other times when it felt great. And, eventually, as we came to know each other even better–and I realized what a particularly mature and understanding young woman she was–I ended up sharing with her that I was gay. And… she didn’t dump me. To the contrary, she was amazingly supportive, helped me feel great about myself, and continued forward with the relationship. When we parted ways at the end of the school year to both prepare for missions, we promised each other that, no matter what happened, we would remain good friends. And, even though we ended up marrying different people, we did remain good friends. Leslie and I esteem her and her husband as some of our dearest.

2. Please describe your courtship with your wife. How did you decide to get married? How long did you date? How did you know marriage was the right thing to do?

Well, that’s just a continuation of the previous story, really. When I got home that summer with the intention of preparing for my mission, Leslie was already back home in our home-town. And… well, basically, her having seen me be a bona fide boyfriend to her best friend did something to her. Instead of seeing me as her gay buddy, she started to realize that I could function as more than that. And the truth is, I had changed a lot over the course of that year. I was more masculine and more confident. In her eyes, I was more virile and viable. More importantly, Leslie realized that she was pretty sure that she loved me more than anyone else she had dated.

Unexpectedly, our friendship began to take on elements of more-than-friendship. As I look back and try and untangle, now from a distance, the maelstrom of feelings I was experiencing at the time I think my overall feeling was one of excitement. Leslie and I were very close, and I had always harbored something of a desire to see if we could be romantic. An affection that had long been nascent in me was coming to fruition. I watched with surprise as I got twitterpated when we cuddled. Imagine my shock when, after having tried kissing several times with pretty lame results, I got significantly aroused when we randomly started making out during the credits of a movie one night. Each new experience seemed to cement the truth for me: I was hardwired one way, but with Leslie and with practice (and who would shirk an excuse for that kind of practice?) my body responded to a woman the way that a man’s body (at least in my estimation) is biologically supposed to respond to a woman.

Anyway, we wended our way deeper and deeper into love over the course of most of a year. Spending time with Leslie was amazingly enjoyable. We broke through many barriers, and together attempted to make sense out of my feelings and attractions to men and what it all meant in relation to us as a couple. And to a large degree we were successful. But, this was before my mission. And so, the time for my departure came, and I left, and we said good-bye unsure of what would happen. We both hoped that we were the one for the other, but we placed it in the Lord’s hands so that focus could be placed on the work.

We each had some very potently spiritual experiences during the course of the next two years that solidified our love for one another, and confirmed in both of our minds the “rightness” of our togetherness. Nevertheless, we rarely if ever were overly-romantic in our letters so we could stay devoted to our work (Leslie ended up serving a mission during this time as well), so we didn’t share most of these with each other until after we came home.

Upon my return, our relationship seemed to pick up right where we left it, except for with the added formation and maturity of two more years of age, and the refinement that comes from missionary service. At that point, we felt very confident in our mutual affection, our mutual goals, and our preparation. We also felt, having discussed my challenges openly and honestly for many years, confident in our ability to confront the challenges of my same sex attraction. We had our eyes wide open, having no qualms discussing even the grittiest of realities. Thus, it wasn’t terribly long (a matter of months) after I got home that we got married. This wasn’t what I was expecting at all, but I proceeded forward–not entirely without trepidation–but with the special peace and assurance that comes when one knows he is following a particular path blessed by, if not predesignated by, the Lord, which thing was confirmed to me on more than one occasion.

In terms of how I knew that marriage was the right thing to do, I’ll just say this. There was a time when I thought marriage was impossible for me. That was before I fully understood who I really was, or what being same sex attracted really meant in my life. As I came to understand those things more fully, as well as grew in my testimony, marriage began to seem not only more palatable, but more like the right thing to do for me. I then experimented upon the idea, the fruits continued (and still continue) to be sweet, and thus I progressed. I can not, however, speak for anybody else, obviously. Also, I want to be clear that it was never something I thought of as a “cure” nor something I felt forced into.

3. I think the common consensus for SSA guys is that they should tell their girlfriend about their trial before getting married. Do you agree?

I told both of mine, and with great success. Of course, they’re two of the coolest people on earth ;-).

No, but seriously, I think the sooner a potential mate knows about one’s situation, the more real and healthy the relationship can be. To not share that part of you is, in my eyes anyway, not being completely honest. And complete honesty is a true touchstone of successful marriage. If you don’t feel able to share something so personal and real with a potential partner, it’s probably a sign that the relationship might not be working, or that one or both parties aren’t ready for the bearing-of-soul that successful and happy relationships need to include.

4. Many single LDS guys with SSA seem to struggle with depression, either because of medical reasons or because of the uncertainty, heartache, and confusion associated with this trial. Did you experience such feelings when you were single? If so, how do those feelings compare after you got married?

When I was single, I definitely struggled with depression. I am not clinically depressed. But the depth of complexity associated with being LDS and SSA precipitated periods of deep depression for me as I fought my personal demons, put to rest bad habits, and came to truly love and accept myself. Like many gay men (a demographic particularly high in suicide rates) I had thoughts of killing myself at times. There is little easy about being gay or being Mormon, and as we all know, being both is dauntingly complicated. In those times of deep sorrow for me, I sought counseling, and did all that I could (boosting spirituality, exercising, involving myself socially, etc.) to exit my funks which, in extremity, were not terribly frequent. I was able to exit my funks after several months in all cases.

Marriage has been a time of significantly less depression for me. There’s no way for me to know to what extent becoming less depressed has to do with being married itself, and to what extent becoming less depressed was inevitable as I continued to progress in my masculinity (I’m a firm believer in conforming to gender roles or “stereotypes” if it makes you feel better about yourself, which it did me), spirituality, and maturity. I will say that having Leslie in my life is a true joy, that I don’t feel lonely like I used to, and that I am amazed at how genuinely happy I have felt nearly every single day of the last five years.

However, I must also report that I did have one particularly fierce bout of depression a couple of years into my marriage. I had gotten too close to a friend I had made online (unwittingly… I was inexperienced, and had interacted very little with other SSA guys at that point), and it really threw a wrench into my emotional system, so recovering from that was very difficult. So, what I’m trying to say is that, just as it is not the panacea for homosexuality itself, marriage likewise does not eradicate depression from one’s life. But it’s much easier to get over the rough patches, and the rough patches seem to be much less frequent, now that I have someone I love deeply supporting me every step of my journey.

5. Most of us single guys (if not all) struggle with masturbation and many struggle with pornography. A heterosexual relationship with a woman does not eliminate these desires. On the other hand, single SSA guys should not think they have to be perfect in order to seek out marriage. This issue is delicate since unrestrained indulgence is obviously inappropriate and perfection seems near daunting. This issue weighs on the mind of nearly every single SSA guy out there. Could you give us your insights and opinions regarding this topic that we may find helpful?

It’s wise to assume that a relationship with a woman will not eliminate desires to masturbate and look at porn. It doesn’t do so for anybody, gay or straight. Just ask any bishop out there. If masturbation and pornography is something you struggle with, expect that struggle to continue after marriage. By which I mean to say, there is a lengthy process one undergoes to be rid of such behaviors. It takes dedication, persistence and a lot of time. It takes most people many years to fully eradicate such behaviors from their lives once betaken by them. If circumstances present themselves in such a way that you feel that marrying a girl is right during the course of that lengthy process of repentance and behavioral adjustment, don’t avoid getting married because you haven’t yet reached your goal, but also don’t be surprised and over-reactive when that process continues after the sealing. Be realistic about it. Make your wife/fiancee perfectly aware of those struggles. Every time. Literally. It would be less than honest not to include her in this process, though to hide such base behavior is one’s natural instinct. The key is to avoid that instinct. This way she can recognize the progress you are making, and help you to overcome these difficult, difficult patterns. Two minds are better than one, most definitely. Plus, keeping her informed is the only way that she can be fully educated as you make the marriage decision so that she knows exactly what she’s getting into. It’s also the only way to keep the communication and checks-and-balances of sexuality after marriage as they should be.

Don’t lose hope. These behaviors can be overcome. I know this with a surety. Don’t expect perfection of yourself with immediacy, but at the same time don’t lose hope for the long term. View it as a process, be real with yourself and your partner, and view mistakes as “feedback” rather than “failure” and it is completely possible to progress to the point where porn and masturbation are no longer a part of your life. Having said all that, allow me to also mention that there is much good to be said for having a legitmate sexual outlet after marriage. It’s a lot of fun, and it really does make the struggle to remain chaste easier.