Northern Lights

Matis parents request respect and privacy on the anniversary of this tragedy, request event organizers and attendees to not proceed with or attend the planned events.

The following statement has been made available by North Star at the request of Fred and Marilyn Matis.

We have recently learned that a day-long event is planned outside the Los Altos, California Stake Center of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on February 25th to commemorate the unfortunate death of our son, Stuart Matis. Without wishing to suggest that those involved in this event have anything but the best motives and utmost concern for Stuart Matis and the rest of our family, we wish to state unequivocally that we do not support or endorse this event in any way. We further state that we do not condone use of Stuart’s death for a political purpose of any kind.

We understand the event organizers’ concern for LDS Church members and others to have a better understanding of the difficulties associated with same-gender attraction.

Since Stuart’s death, we have tried to honor his love and memory through inviting men and women struggling with this issue, individually and as families, into our home, and by holding regular firesides that testify of the Lord’s love for all of His children. We’ve also seen his name honored as leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ have made greater efforts to extend their reach in a more compassionate effort to let all people affected by this issue know that that are loved of God, even as they affirm and encourage them to maintain their covenants.

We have had many, many conversations with parents, and young men and women dealing with this issue. We have had many conversations with local and general priesthood leaders. One of our friends even jokes, “If you put a nickel in Fred or Marilyn they will give you more than an earful about same-gender attraction.” In addition, several years ago Deseret Book published In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction, a two-part memoir co-authored with Ty Mansfield. In the first part of that volume, we shared our family’s experience with Stuart’s suicide.

We recognize that Stuart’s death affected a great deal of people beyond our immediate family. It is only human to attempt to draw lessons or promote specific actions that these advocates believe will prevent further tragedies. Everyone must choose how to respond to and channel that grief in his or her own way. But we ask, out of respect for the still-tender feelings of many of us who were closest to Stuart, as well as out of respect for Stuart himself, that you not use Stuart’s death to further your own ends, no matter how worthy or relevant you may feel they are. Stuart’s last and tragically public act was a plea for understanding, and those who knew him noticed how much he was hurt and affected by the increasingly prominent and bitter political and religious debates that were roiling the community. Healing and reconciliation cannot occur via media events and attention-seeking in public venues. We do not believe events like this honor Stuart’s tragedy nor will they decrease the likelihood of similar tragedies occurring in the future.

The changes Stuart yearned for can only be enacted through the more private but longer-lasting efforts to minister to the weary, wounded and lost. All who knew Stuart know how devoted, stalwart, and loving he was to everyone. Yet he was also an intensely private person. It was in quiet, unobtrusive ways that he made his biggest impact on others. To those who wish to honor Stuart’s name and memory, we ask that you do not do so through public display and solicitations of media spotlight that in the end only challenge the teachings of, and shed negative light on, the Church and faith that Stuart devoutly believed in and loved so much. The best way to honor Stuart on the anniversary of his death would be to do so as he always did: to reach out, privately, to those individuals who may be suffering, isolated, or in despair. To give hope, encouragement, and faith to them. To inspire them and lift them up. This would certainly include individuals and families who wrestle with the issue of same-gender attraction, but also would not be limited to them.

In the specific case of the scheduled vigil, we urge those who truly care for Stuart’s name, and for us, not to attend or support this effort. Many people have called for greater sensitivity and understanding of the issue of same-gender attraction. We support this call. And so in that same spirit, we now ask the organizers and those planning on attending this event to please understand and be sensitive to our feelings, especially in this most painful and tender time. We support the right of those people of all religious and political persuasions to speak out on issues important to them. But we ask that you not compound our grief and pain by using Stuart’s name to advance your own goals (which were not Stuart’s) and exploiting our family’s tragedy to gain attention for issues and causes that we do not support. Speak out on the issues that are important to you, but please, out of a sense of decency, sensitivity, tolerance, and respect, leave Stuart and the rest of our family out of it.

We repeat, the best way to honor Stuart, and avoid causing further hurt and grief to his family, is to take the time and effort to understand the difficult struggle the men and women who deal with this issue are going through, one by one, one person at a time. As those who knew Stuart best, we can say with confidence that this is what Stuart would truly have wanted.

Stuart’s favorite scripture was 2 Nephi 31:20, which reads: “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.” We affirm our testimonies of the gospel and Church of Jesus Christ and its inspired leadership. We testify of the power and promise in these words. Despite the awful pain we have endured through the loss of our son, we affirm the power of Christ in healing our wounds, and testify that our hope in Christ is forever bright.

Thank you,

Fred and Marilyn Matis

Fred and Marilyn Matis are not available for further comment. Any questions may be referred to questions@northstarlds.org.