Interviews with 3 bloggers, each married 25 years, part 3
The third blogger I interviewed who has been married for 25 years is Beck. His blog was originally titled “Beck’s Angst”, but he has since jettisoned the angst in favor of just “Beck” as the months have progressed and his feelings have improved. As we chatted, Beck expressed his misgivings about being any special example, but I take his courage, openness, and humility to be very admirable. I want his advice so that 20 years from now I’ll have the best chance of being where I want to be–still married and flourishing. Here is our chat:
You’ve been married for decades, and you’re still plugging along happily. What’s it like to be gay and married after 25 years?
At times it’s very normal and wonderful; like I imagine any other marriage with its normal ups and downs–but mainly good times with family (wife and kids)–but at other times, it drives a wedge between us as husband and wife and we drift apart and have to really try to hold it all together.
Is that a more recent thing, or do you think it’s been there all along?
It’s been there from the very beginning! This isn’t something new. The newness comes only from us being willing to call it what it is, and for me to admit to myself the issues that I have that then become her issues as well. But no, other than the personal self-awareness, the issue has always been around!
Well, for those times when you’ve been drifting apart, how have you made it through? What have you done over the years to make your marriage a success?
It’s not easy. I don’t claim to have the answers, because I’m still working on the solution. Sometimes I get discouraged and pull away and allow myself to drift from her. Since I don’t have a strong attraction need from her it is easy for me to fall into this pattern of allowing myself to be more distant. It takes a conscientious effort to get myself in gear to make her more a part of my life. Sometimes she tells me when it’s happening, and that I better pay more attention to her or else… Other times, I just know. That is when we focus together on getting away, or doing more intimate things together, or spending time alone, etc.
Well, you’ve only been out to her (and yourself) for a short time. But you’ve made it in your marriage for decades. Is your marriage harder now than it was before coming out?
We went through a period of over a decade where it was very dark and we were separated emotionally and physically as I allowed my job to become more important and she allowed the kids to become more important. We never claimed to have known it was this issue that was really at the root of the problem. We just endured. We really are best friends. We have so many interests and feelings and likes and dislikes that are so similar. I guess you are willing to endure a lot when you’re truly with your best friend. But, marriage is supposed to be more than that, and so coming to terms with the real issue inside me has helped in some ways because we now know the source of the problem, and so we can work on overcoming it while still being friends…. I don’t know if I answered your question.
No, that’s a good insight, regardless. Really, I’m just looking for advice that you might have for someone like me–someone who wants to find himself still married to my best friend after 25 years.
Advice? Have you read my blog lately? I think I have it all figured out and then I go all wiggly inside and things happen and it’s like I’m starting over… What advice?
You’ve made it 25 years. There’s no minimizing that. I won’t hear it! Maybe I’ll put it to you like this: When you got married, what advice were you given? Do you think that advice has turned out to be true in your case? What advice would you give to your younger self if you had the chance?
I often wonder if I were in the situation of the “younglings” that are in the MOHO [Mormon homosexual] community and KNEW what I know now about myself when “it all began,” would I do it? I mean, would I get married? The answer is MOST DEFINITELY YES! You see, I tend to emphasize the negative on my blog because I have no other resource to let it all out. In reality, I was desperately and madly in love - passionately in love with her from the moment I saw her. I never had felt this way about any woman ever before and ever since. She turned me inside out and upside down and all that good stuff. She loved me! I was so amazed at how much she loved me and I loved her. We shared so much together and connected in levels that to pull away from all of that and say NOT to do it because of being gay? Heavens no… Now at the time I didn’t know I was gay. I was too stupid, too naive, too backward, whatever… it was a different time, a much more closeted time, a time before DVDs and Internet and you name it… She knew I was attracted to guys and found it endearing to a point. I can go on… but we had the “magic” that happens when two people fall in love. But the physical aspects of our relationship post-marriage began to cause strain… and we didn’t know why and we were too shy or naive to ask for help. So we worked through it and developed a “routine.” To say is it worth it? If I had to do it all over again, I would do it again. I just wish that I had known more upfront what we were dealing with so that we could be more open about it and discuss it freely so that we could be help-meets for each other.
But, since I can’t go back and I can’t do it differently, what has helped us and what has bound us together through the dark times and hard times and drifting apart times is our commitment to each other, the commitment to our covenants, the commitment to the Temple sealing power, and the commitment to our kids. At this point, it is that bonding strength of those commitments that have made it work.
I didn’t realize she knew you were attracted to guys. Way back at the beginning?
Yeah, I was an MTC teacher and she knew that I had a thing for the missionaries, though at the time it was all innocent and “brotherhood” huggy kind of thing. Anyway, I was never shy about my affection for the missionaries. She saw it and knew it, and in a certain way was attracted to me because of this “quality of mine” to be “close” to others. She also knew of my “close male friends” from my mission that were more than friends (my blog has addressed them in several places but in a semi-anonymous manner). Anyway, she was aware of these relationships and of my affection for the male species… but we both looked upon it as me being “touchy feely” and liking guys in a “deeply spiritual manner”. We both didn’t look upon it as a sexual issue and it never was sexual.
I may say there was a “romantic” aspect to it and I did feel “love” for these particular friends, and she knew this. She confronted me on it and I was open and out front about these relationships and that these guys were part of my life and were “special,” but were not “sexual”. This was before we got married but AFTER we were engaged. It was then, as we discussed these “special qualities” of mine, that I guess I wondered if our engagement was going to be called off, but she said it was okay and that she understood and accepted my honest answers (as they truly were all that I could accept these relationships to be even within my mind though deep down if they had gone further into a sexual manner I probably would have allowed myself to go there - but I didn’t). The point is - she accepted me for who I was and was willing to take this affectionate part of me as part of the package.
Fast forward two decades… It was just a couple of years ago that I came out to her about being “gay”. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. She was frustrated and bothered (and rightfully so) by my drifting apart from her, and my desires to be with guy friends, very dear guy friends that I was making that were filling up my time and interests away from her. I came to the point where I knew I was attracted to these guys in ways that were more than just friends. For the first time in my life, I recognized these “special qualities” weren’t going away - that they never will. They just are. They are a part of me. They are me! It was during this time that I put it all together (yes, it really did take this long for me) and confirmed within myself that I was gay. She confronted me about my “feelings”. In a moment of insanity, I was frustrated and bothered, too, and decided to tell her everything. I recapped our lives together, my experiences of growing up, of my mission friends, of teaching at the MTC, of serving in the bishopric, of serving with Young Men. Though she was surprised, shocked, and horrified, she also deep down knew that it was true. The next few weeks were very painful, very full of tears and hurt. But, we got through it. We got through that darkest period of our relationship because we LOVED each other. She knew my greatest sin was that I had allowed my heart to wander and to search for male romance, a real need within me, and in a certain sense be “unfaithful”, but she also knew that, despite this real need, I never allowed myself to actually cross the line. With that certain bond of commitment to her that I wasn’t willing to let go of, we started to rebuild our marriage and rediscover each other. We have found new joy in each other’s arms. I’m not saying that I no longer desire male romance in my life (as I very much still do), but I am saying that through our efforts of refocusing, we have been able to rekindle a bit of the magic that was once there - and transition from loneliness, to survival, to a mostly happy marriage.
As for advice… I would say that our willingness to keep true to each other has been crucial. Though she’s seen me drift away and be attracted to other “guys” at times, and though that wandering eye of mine for male affection has been a source of fodder for divorce discussions, I’ve never gone off the deep end, though I’ve crossed the line several times to look over the cliff, and she knows it. She knows that we have been committed to each other. So - if you’re going to do this - you’ve got to hold true to your commitments. And if you wander, you’ve got to be willing to come back. And focusing on your wife and on her needs is essential.
Well, point taken. Commitment is central. The wandering and coming back… is not ideal, but the commitment is what keeps it together.
Yes… and the love is there. It may grow strong or weak based on what is going on in LIFE, but it is still there… and it can exist and even flourish within a “mixed orientation marriage”.
I wish our marriage were more open. I wish we could discuss these things more freely than we do. I wish we had a “culture” that would allow us to freedom to explore these issues together - but there’s a lot of history and a lot of pain and we’re not as open as I hope newlywed MOMs may be today. And that’s too bad. It has added a lot of strain and stress and pain. I’ve caused her much pain. She’s blamed me for things, too. That open dialogue would have helped, but when it comes to very sensitive topics, there still isn’t a great comfort level to dialogue - and that’s too bad.
But our children brings us together. Creating a home brings us together. Serving at school, in the community and at church side by side brings us together. Supporting each other in our mutual interests and separate interests - giving her all that I can to cultivate the best that she can be… brings us together. These are things that are true in all marriages.
Yes, indeed. Thanks for the insights.
I don’t know that I’m helping… I don’t feel like I am an example of “light and truth” when it comes to these things.
You are real, and I want real. None of the three of you I’ve talked to have the “We’re perfect and everything is perfect, and nothing is wrong” story. But, none of you have the “I’m miserable, and I hate my marriage, and the sacrifices aren’t worth it” story either. You guys have made the decision to keep your marriage commitment. The end. That’s the point, I think. You’re still tempted. It’s still an issue, and might always be. But you’ve made it through decades, and kids, and you are still trying to make it. There might be someone out there who doesn’t need a blog because their marriage is so smooth and it’s a non-issue. But I don’t know who they are. So I’ll take your advice instead. ;-)
I wish I were a better example. But, I’m working on things. I still struggle. I think I always will. I don’t know that I will ever be “over this” or that I even desire to be over this. I just am who I am.
Beck’s blog can be read at http://beckgaymormon.blogspot.com/
1 --on May 28th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
I don’t know that I’m helping
You’re helping me! e-Hug
2 --on May 28th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
You’re helping me, two.
3 --on May 29th, 2007 at 12:12 am
-L-
I’ve just read again all 3 of your interviews and tried to take some notes and identify the key features in these responses. I came up with 3 things that I think are really positive qualities in the men or aspects of the relationships and that seem to help in these marriages.
1) All three men describe a situation in which they were attracted to only a few women, but they really fell in love with their wives and had much in common with their wives. In short, it seems to me the amount of compatibility in the relationships was very high.
2) All three men were able to put great faith in the proposition that they would be much happier in a straight marriage…even though they seemed to realize that in some ways they preferred the companionship of men and that there wasn’t much sexual chemistry for the women. For those of us who served missions and know about the love you can have for a companion, it seems something to me like a straight guy being urged to settle down for a lifetime with a same sex companion. He might enjoy and like that companion, but the sexual chemistry would be largely missing even though the affection and common interests and compatibility could be there. Nevertheless, these 3 guys have been able to ignore the same sex attractions and exercise their faith in and the courage to choose the marriage. To me that shows considerable maturity to keep their eye on a goal once they have decided they want it and believe in it.
3) All three men have been able to keep their marriages a priority and focus a lot of attention on their wives, even when they are continually drawn toward and have a desire to be around men. They might lose focus briefly, but they come back to it. Again I feel there is considerable maturity in that behavior.
I have identified 5 challenges to the marriages which seem to be pretty common to all of the men. I think I will wait and post those after people have a chance to respond to these 3 items above.
4 --on May 29th, 2007 at 11:02 am
When L first started these particular interviews, I was very excited to read what these guys had to say. I’ve now been married for ten years. Which, statistically speaking is one of when marriages such as mine often dissolve. It’s been 3 weeks post the ten year anniversary and we are fine.
I think Ron actually hit upon the points that are, above all, the central points to a success marriage; Compatibility, faith in the straight marriage, and finally making that marriage the priority and focus.
When my own marriage is seemingly heading towards the rocky shoals of destruction there is a direct line back to failing to navigate the course correctly. Or in other words I have either lost faith in my marriage or I failed to make my marriage the priority and focus it deserves to be.
Let me be clear though; marriage is about two people, regardless of their compatibility, working together. I may be at the helm but my spouse is the wind in the sails. We both have our individual responsibilities in this union. We compensate for weakness in the other sure, but it is effort for both of us.
I have always found that guys (gay or not) require and desire “purpose”, a reason of doing/being. Women, on the other hand lay hold of security and require that in their life. Now, I realize that I’m speaking rather generally here, but thus far it seems to hold water.
Thus far, since I’ve only recently came out to my wife, it seems that my wife would rather avoid the whole issue of me being gay. I think that there is a feeling of a “lack of security” on her part. However, I must compensate for this measure by plying my strength and focus to reassuring her of my love to her, which is real, and having faith in Christ that my marriage is indeed what is best for us.
Do I wish my life could, as Beck pointed out, be like the youngling MoHo’s some of whom are starting fresh & open in marriage? Sure, it would certainly be easier, but my refiner’s fire requires this of me to make me the best possible me.
And Ron, I certainly would like to see your list of 5 challenges. I have much sailing to still accomplish and know about the hazards seems to be prudent. I’m not too eager to join Captain Turner upon the Flying Dutchmen, even if he is cute.
5 --on May 29th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Compatibility, faith in the straight marriage, and marriage the priority and focus.
Hey, I resemble that!
When I read these 3 interviews and mash them all together, the message I get is: It’s not easy, but it can work if you are committed to making it work.
I just wish there were more than just three of us. It is sobering to realize how many mixed orientation marriages don’t work out in the long run.
6 --on May 29th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Oh, I think there are a lot more than three. The rest of us just might not have the guts to be under public scrutiny on a website giving details about our personal lives to prove that it will work. I think there are a whole lot of gay LDS guys out there who are happily married and quietly going about their own business. Just my opinions.
7 --on May 29th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Ron, all three men did not describe being attracted to only a few women. In the case of Beck, for example, he describes being attracted to no women except his wife. In the case of Abelard, my impression is that he’s attracted to no women at all.
Your assessment of their maturity is one I agree with, but it invites begging the question. One can’t conclude both that they are mature because they are committed to marriage, and that their marriage works because they are mature. It’s really difficult to get an idea of someone’s maturity from an isolated snapshot of their life, through their own subjective point of view.
You are welcome to post your 5 challenges for discussion, but I hope you will be considerate in recognizing that this is not a forum to critically discuss the personal failings or achievements of these individuals, and therefore it may be difficult to openly discuss your view. For example, I had several thoughts in connection with the discussion on selfishness, but I was unable to appropriately discuss them in the context of SG’s experience and candor. Their examples are presented as biographical anecdotes, not anything that can necessarily be tabulated or extrapolated into something larger.
It might be an opportunity to write your thoughts in more general terms and share it in an unconnected way, but I’ll leave it to your discretion, of course.
8 --on May 30th, 2007 at 12:57 am
-L-
I do appreciate the courage of these three men sharing their stories and I hope I’m being respectful in what I’ve said. It is good you are being protective about the feelings of those who are involved.
And you are right, I should have said these men were attracted to very few or only one woman.
Abelard can speak for himself, but I was going by this in thinking he was attracted to one woman….He said,
“As far as what advice do I have? I believe a gay male should get married for the same reasons that a straight male should: Because you love her and want to be with her. Marriage isn’t for every gay man. But, I also believe you shouldn’t out right reject the idea either. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever would have married had I not met my wife - I just didn’t look at girls that way. And, you never know, one day, the right person may walk into your life. That’s what happened with my wife and I.”
Beck said this..
“I was desperately and madly in love - passionately in love with her from the moment I saw her. I never had felt this way about any woman ever before and ever since.”
SG said this…
“I also became attracted in every way to my future wife.”
And you apparently don’t approve of me calling faith/commitment to a goal/ideal and giving their wives a major amount of attention as signs of maturity, So be it. Call it whatever you will. But it seems strange to me that in your disagreement with my analysis you apparently devalue these interviews by saying they are an “isolated snapshot of their life, through their own subjective point of view.” They are more than that. They are rare glimpses into person’s lives who have valuable experience.
This is not an easy subject for any of us to talk about. I am aware of that because I’m one of the persons on here using my real name. I’m not discussing my personal life, but I am expressing my honest views on controversial issues. I do that because I think there is value in trying to understand the kind of “biographical anecdotes” you are posting here. And you are to be commended for the effort you’ve made to gather these stories and to share your own. Nevertheless, your direct challenges seem like they need to be answered, so I’ve tried doing that. But now I’m not so sure I should.
I also have some experience in working with some other courageous LDS guys who have shared their lives and their real names on film. I mention that now because some may wish to view their stories if you have not. They are posted on www.youtube.com and they will come up in a search if you put in LDS and homosexuality. Together the 3 film counters indicate they have been viewed almost 30,000 times on youtube in less than a year. They are also on Google. They are named “Go Forward”, “Marriage Hopes and Realities” and “Embracing Our Homosexual Children.”
9 --on May 30th, 2007 at 6:33 am
Since I am one of the three being scrutinized here, (and hopefully speaking for the other two), I would be very interested in the “five challenges” Ron has noted about our situations. I want to learn and understand more, and am willing to be dissected under a microscope, if the purpose is to help and to give increased understanding. I appreciate “L’s” willingness to protect us, but I think the three of us have accepted the consequences of this exercise, and we are strong enough to take the “constructive criticism”. Personally, I seek it. I don’t feel like I’m any shining example… but I’ve made it thus far, and relatively happy and quite blessed.
So, please… in a constructive way, help me to see what I don’t see (as I’m too much in the middle of it all)! Help me to see my foibles and follies, my shortcomings or challenges. I beg of you…
Beck.
10 --on May 30th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
I think there are a whole lot of gay LDS guys out there who are happily married and quietly going about their own business.
There is likely an even larger number of gay LDS guys out there whose marriages have ended and who are quietly going about their own business.
But, if there are married gay men out lurking out there who don’t want to make their presence known publicly, please feel free to email me (my email id is in my blog profile). I would love to discuss this, or anything else, privately.
11 --on May 30th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
Beck
I appreciate your interest in what I see as the 5 challenges that the 3 of you gay guys in MOMs generally seem to experience. You may not be totally the same on these issues, but I saw indications along these lines which make me feel these are common features of your experience. I could make this a really long post by quoting parts from each of you, but for now, I will resist that and just state these each briefly.
1) The feelings and the attractions don’t seem to go away even after 25+ years. One of you talked about the feelings being diminished, but they seem to persist and be there, in some form anyway, so I think that is not easy to measure.
2) There seems to be considerable pain and suffering of the wives when they find out. There are even some indications that they felt better when they didn’t know and preferred that. The pain might involve when the husband steps out of line, but there seems to be a lot of pain in first finding out, even if there is no misbehavior.
3) There seems to be a pattern of drifting toward some kind of connection with a man. Vigilance and a determination to stay in the marriage seem to be necessary because something outside the marriage always seems to be attractively beckoning.
4) Dialogue within the marriage about this challenging issue seems to be pretty difficult. Unlike -L- and Master Fob, who seem (ed) to manage the communication rather easily for the most part, these 3 seem more challenged that way. I think a lot depends on the wife. I believe it is a major challenge to a woman’s self esteem to be in the most important relationship with someone who is not naturally attracted to you.
5) There seems to be a fair amount of discouragement and/or depression which goes along with this whole issue. I think you guys seem a little worn out about the way it is still an issue in your life and despite the happiness in the marriage, you fight your feelings and sometimes get depressed or discouraged.
Anyway, those are the things that caught my attention. I could try to document this all more carefully, and -L- might find some little discrepancy in what one of you said :), but those seem to be patterns.
I would say of the hundreds of gay guys I’ve talked to about their marriages, I’ve seen a lot of the same patterns.
I could talk more about the implications I see in these 5 issues, but I think I should save that for later, in case anyone is interested.
12 --on May 30th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Thanks, Ron.
In my case I would say you are pretty right on:
1) I feel no diminished attraction. In fact, I feel an increase in the attractions of late.
2) Yes, there was incredible pain and suffering and I finally realized how much this revelation has hurt her presonally… But, we have become closer together because of it, so in a certain painful way, she would say that this has been good for us in the long run to have her know.
3) There is major drifting for a real romantic, yet non-sexual, relationship with a man as a part of this thing I’m living. It does take major determination to not drift from her, especially physically.
4) Dialogue about this issue is nearly impossible! We just can’t discuss it! We hint around it at times, but it’s proven best to just not talk about it. I don’t know whether that’s good or bad. I don’t know that we really have to talk about it if we are able to successfully relate and deal with our lives together in a positive and productive way otherwise.
5) Personally, I don’t feel depressed. I get discouraged. I get flustered. I get confused. I beat myself up a lot. I feel inadequate and unworthy a lot… I get worn out… but in the end, when I’m together in my thoughts and feelings, when I focus on her, when we focus on the kids, it’s worth it…
I’d love to discuss more. I appreciate your interest.
13 --on May 31st, 2007 at 9:41 am
Beck
I think the interesting question we can ask about the 3 important positive aspects of these relationships and the 5 challenges is this. Are these any different than they would be in any non-MOM situation??? I think some of them are, but I wonder what you or others think about this.
I got thinking about the whole subject here…and I think it relates very closely to a chapter I co-wrote for a book we published in 1991…whew..a long time ago now. The book is Peculiar People, Mormons and Same Sex Orientation. The chapter is “Difficult Choices for Adolescents and Adults.” It really addresses the choice of whether to marry or not when you are SSA and what to do if you get married and find it is a challenging issue for you. I assume a number reading this would be facing such issues. The chapter concludes with 8 suggestions. I think they might be worth looking at still. There is more detail in the chapter. Here they are….
1.Carefully analyze feelings and experience on the Kinsey (HH) Scale.
2. Be aware that homosexual feelings are not likely to disappear.
3. Be aware that love and sexual feelings are often intense and decisions about their expression need to be made with care.
4. In the longer run, sexual satisfactions will probably be secondary to relationship satisfactions.
5. Be wary of seeking sexual fulfillment at any cost.
6. One must make his or her own inspired choices.
7. One must try to make his or her choices work.
8. If relationship adjustments become necessary, they should be made with integrity.
I wonder if the 3 of you would have a different list? I wonder what Master Fob or -L- would think about the list??? You are the experienced ones on the block and there are, I assume, a lot out there facing these decisions. As the ones with more experience, what would we say to them? What is your list?
14 --on June 3rd, 2007 at 5:18 pm
(I’m assuming that if Ron includes me and -L- in “the experienced ones on the block,” what he really means is “the loud ones.”)
That looks like a good list to me, Ron. I would also add a common theme that’s come up around these parts and something I have always struggled with–complete honesty and open communication with your partner are a must.
15 --on June 3rd, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Who you callin’ loud?!
The list looks like a pretty good one for anyone considering marriage. I’ve never actually tried to make such a list before, so I’ll have to mull it over a little bit.
16 --on June 4th, 2007 at 8:53 am
Mr. Fob
There is more discussion in the article than the brief list indicates.
I believe it says something about disclosure, which as you suggest is important.
Does anyone think the 3 and 5 items of the current discussion are different
for non-MOMs?
17 --on June 4th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Ron:
I think Mr Fob might be talking about something more than disclosure. For me, at least, I had to finally admit that while I wanted my marriage to stay together for a time after I came out to my wife, I struggled to be completely honest with her about what I wanted. I think many gay married men stay married out of some sense of obligation to their spouse. When they are honest about that, they often discover that their spouses don’t want someone to be with them out of obligation.
Of course, I should just let Mr Fob speak for himself. :)
18 --on June 4th, 2007 at 10:43 am
No, Chris, I don’t think you’re off-base at all. It’s one thing to tell your spouse or future spouse that you’re gay, but an entirely different thing to actually talk about what that means on a regular basis. I don’t actually know L and FRM, but if their relationship is as openly honest as he portrays it on his blog, then I suspect that’s what makes their marriage as healthy as it seems to be. In my case, when I was completely honest with myself and Jessie I had to admit that I spent a lot of time not wanting to be married, which is what got us to where we are now. I don’t think the alternative–continuing to be less than completely honest–would have been a better option.
19 --on June 5th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
Being “less than completely honest” with your spouse certainly may not be a “better option” but for some of us, in this foreseeable future, it is the only option. Respecting the choices and honesty of Chris and Mr. Fob, I hope to learn from their experiences in facing “complete honesty”. As for me, and others like me, we are trying this different path. I don’t say it is the right path for everyone, but for the three of us that were interviewed here, it has served us well and may be worth not dismissing so quickly.
20 --on June 7th, 2007 at 9:29 am
Beck, I didn’t mean to imply that any gay person who stays in a straight marriage is being less than completely honest. I meant only that in my case, this is what being honest meant for me. I would hope that you are as honest as you can be with your wife. Are you saying that dishonesty is necessary to make any mixed orientation marriage work, or are you saying that I’m saying that? Because really, that’s not what I meant and that’s not what I believe. It seems to me that a marriage without honesty is no marriage at all–it’s roommates living together in a fantasy world.