He Might Be a Moho If…
I’ve decided to introduce myself by resurrecting an oldy from my personal blog. It’s an essential list everyone should have. So without further ado, I present the newly revised “He Might Be a Moho If…”
OK, if you’ve ever looked at your “soft male” co-worker and thought, “He’s either gay or mormon,” this is for you. I expect a little group participation here, because I am only one man with a limited perspective. I also am not adept, yet, at singling out female mohos, so I must speak from a male perspective. Now, you’ve got the more common stereotypes indicating a fair degree of homoness (e.g. has every Christina Aguilera album, gestures a lot while talking, often involving flopping of a hand, is too well dressed to pass it off even as “metrosexual”, or seems undaunted by ample cleavage bursting from a low-cut V-neck but loses all power of speech when the ripped, scantily-clad stud approaches at the pool party…I mean, I imagine *cough*).
But this is meant to be a list of some more subtle signs you may start noticing once made aware. This is to help family and friends “get a clue” to soften the blow when they are finally confronted with the fact that their good Mormon guy thinks guys are sexy and would probably date and marry one and adopt children if it weren’t for that whole “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” thing:
1) A lot of nice girls in his ward want his attention because he’s such a “nice guy” and “respects girls,” but they can’t seem to turn his head no matter how they try. The bishop has such cases coming to him for advice, and he is at a loss.
2) He introduced you to the wholesome magic of musicals way back in junior high.
3) He starred in the wholesome magic of musicals like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in middle school and did so with all the delightful flare of a true broadway star.
4) He’s in his late twenties, fairly good-looking, good personality, has steadily dated only three or fewer girls, active in his ward, and you can’t figure out why he’s not married or even dating.
5) You’re one of the few girls who have dated him, and he breaks it off with some vague reference about not knowing if he’ll ever find a girl he’s attracted to the way he “should be”…you try to come up with explanations for that, but come on. …not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything.
6) He gives cute, creative, crafty gifts to all of his friends each holiday.
7) He is the fastest, most meticulously artful little gift-wrapper Deseret Book has ever hired.
8) When he refers to the type of “person” he’s attracted to, pay attention to whether he EVER indicates a gender. Just a thought.
9) He does a double-take when an attractive male enters the room. SERIOUSLY, folks, we do this ALL THE TIME, and nobody seems willing to realize it.
10) He idolizes Emma Smith. …and the BYU Men’s Chorus. …and Mindy Gledhill.
11) Women’s jeans on a guy on BYU’s campus? Really.
12) He’s in the BYU Men’s Chorus (45% of all participants). Or BYU ballroom dance (63.2%). Or BYU Young Embassadors (proof of same-sex attraction required to join).
(Disclaimer: Percentages are not entirely scientific and may be entirely invented.)
13) He randomly bursts out exuberantly into “You’re gonna be popular” from Wicked, particularly the “La La” part.
14) Banana Republic, Diesel, 2(x)ist…these are all warning signs.
15) He owns International Male and Abercrombie catalogs, yet he never buys anything from them. He owns copies of Exercise for Men Only, Men’s Health, Details, and GQ, yet you never see him actually reading the articles…or exercising…and you’re pretty sure he’s not using the sexual advice.
16) Watch his eyes during a kissing or love scene–does he even notice there’s a woman there?
17) When introduced to groups of people, he connects with the best-looking guy first. Or the exact opposite for those a bit more adept at avoidance or repression–they connect with the homeliest girl.
18) When caught checking out a guy, he immediately scans the room like he was just scanning all along. …or he looks the girl next to the guy up and down like he was just sizing up his competition. …no, I haven’t done that. P-shaw. *sheepish glances*
19) During the previously-ignored documentary about BYU’s football team on KBYU between General Conference sessions, he took sudden interest in their dedication to God and sport when the team was shown hiking shirtless.
20) You’ve ever heard him use the words “healthy touch.”
21) He goes on a weekend vacation to Salt Lake City around the middle of September. He says it’s to “visit friends”. He takes his mother.
Additions from readers of my blog:
22) He brings vast stores of techno music to church dances and wins every FHE karaoke game.
23) He carries his scriptures–and personal grooming items–to church in a murse.
24) He makes friends with the best-looking elders in his quorum at Elders Quorum BBQs, all while artfully dodging questions about why he doesn’t date.
25) Buys his temple pants at the Gap.
26) He slips the word “moho” subtly into a university commencement speech.
27) Has an anonymous blog he updates almost compulsively every day but which he won’t tell you about.
28) While walking through the mall, he shoots a casual glance in the Victoria’s Secret window, looking away quickly to show his remarkable self discipline like a good LDS guy should, but he lingers at American Eagle or A & F.
29) When confronted with the underwear section at Target (or other applicable store), one of two things occurs: He either avoids it like the plague, or he spends an inordinate amount of time ‘browsing.’ Option two is especially true if he wears garments.
30) Decks out his BYU apartment in Ikea furniture he collects on a weekly basis, and when you go shopping with him, you notice he spends more time viewing the gay customers than looking at furniture.
31) Gets really defensive of gays when his friends start to bash them, and seems to know much more about the issue than any straight person should, even one with “really close gay friends”.
32) He knows the names of all the contestants on American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance, especially fond of the wholesome, cute mormon boys he secretly thinks are sharing the same “struggles” and just wants to give them a hug, tell them it’s OK, and slip them a North Star card.
1 --on April 22nd, 2008 at 6:29 am
Oh, my gosh. Gay guys wearing women’s jeans at BYU. I remember that when I was at BYU back in the 1980s…
I’m a fan of Emma Smith too. (Though Brigham Young definitely wasn’t.)
2 --on April 22nd, 2008 at 8:09 am
A funny list, but not that many apply to me, especially since I’m married. I definitely feel like doing the double take but I’ve learned to control it.
If I had the time, I might come up with a list for those of use who are married. Do you call us Moho’s too?
31 didn’t ring true to me, because many of the worst “gay bashers” I’ve ever known later came out.
I will admit that I know where the underwear section is in most local stores and I just happen to need to go past it on my way to wherever. :)
3 --on April 22nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Rex,
I love that you are married and “old” but will still admit to looking! That’s great!
OrMoHo,
I love your writing, as always. Thanks for bringing a smile to all of our faces!
4 --on April 22nd, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Hilarious.
I will not be disclosing which of these resemble me. :-)
5 --on April 23rd, 2008 at 12:21 am
I love that I have my very own exclusive spot on the “you might be a moho” list. Though I’m not exactly sure how I should take it…
6 --on April 23rd, 2008 at 7:27 am
I started reading this with the intent of pointing out ones that apply to me. Then the list got too long. So I stopped.
A former roommate of mine back east made the comment about a co-worker after he had just started a new job: “He’s either gay or Christian, I can’t quite tell yet.”
After I started working at a job, one of my co-workers mentioned a conversation with another who said, “I wonder if he might be gay—he’s way too nice to be straight.” This co-worker said she replied, “No, he’s just Mormon. Every Mormon I’ve met is like that.”
7 --on April 23rd, 2008 at 9:09 am
In my research on the YMCA, I came across the transcript of an angry debate among YMCA leaders about how to deal with the problem of same-sex cruising on YMCA facilities. In the course of one of the debates, one old-timer said, “In my day, do you know what they called men who love men? Christians!”
8 --on April 23rd, 2008 at 9:11 am
thats so hilarious.
Especially that last one… you know David Archuleta is. ;)
One of my goals in life is to see Wicked, because I love the music so much…
I could relate to a lot of those.
9 --on April 23rd, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I’m offended by #3. Let’s not make this personal.
10 --on April 23rd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Oh, Boy!! It sounds as if I was bound to marry a guy with SSA!!! Almost all my past boyfriends fit those descriptions!!! My husband wants to meet some of them just to see if they might be. What can I say, despite some drawbacks, you guys are pretty awesome catches!!
11 --on April 28th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Funny list! But there are some straight guys that fit the list and some SSA guys that you would never guess…
12 --on May 7th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
For married guys: Their wives are constantly asking them “if this outfit works”. You both enjoy hunky guy movies.
What would the world and the church be without mohos or gay men? Who would be in plays? Decorate? Dance? Sing? and add all the fine touches to life.
13 --on May 11th, 2008 at 9:27 am
and who would conduct MoTab?
14 --on May 13th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Here’s a contribution from a happily married Moho. I prepared this list last year for my wife just to show that it isn’t all bad…there are good things about a Moho man.
Variety is a good thing, diversity too. What a boring world if we all were deer hunters and armchair quarterbacks…I like being a Moho.
50 Advantages to marrying an SSA man:
1. You don’t have to worry about him checking out other women in public…
2. When you’re depressed and want to spend money, he’ll probably go with you!
3. You can cry together in movies.
4. He probably won’t complain about your Streisand music.
5. He’ll help you arrange flowers on memorial day.
6. You probably won’t have to teach him to be sensitive and nurturing.
7. He’ll get along well with your Mom, your sisters and your gal pals.
8. The garage will probably be cleaner and he won’t complain if you go to Jiffy Lube.
9. No more date nights at Cabella’s.
10. He’ll actually buy you clothes you can keep and wear.
11. Monday nights won’t be dominated by football.
12. He won’t take out a second mortgage to buy a bass boat.
13. If you sprain your thumb he can do the girl’s hair before church.
14. He’ll always know a really good restaurant.
15. You won’t have to nag him to go to that “Emma Thompson” movie.
16. He’ll drag you to the opera or the symphony.
17. You won’t need to nag him to change his underwear or wear clean socks.
18. You’ll actually be able to read and understand his love letters.
19. The hangers in the closet will all be pointed the same direction.
20. He won’t spend your annual, family, clothing budget on a hunting trip.
21. He won’t wash your white blouse with your red sweater.
22. He can iron his own shirt or that white blouse if you want.
23. Spend that season ticket money on Broadway tickets.
24. He’ll give you good advice on a center piece for your Church lesson.
25. If you get misty in sacrament meeting he’ll always have a hanky.
26. If he flirts with your girlfriends you’ll know it’s harmless.
27. You won’t have to remind him to trim that unsightly nose hair.
28. He won’t growl at you if you ask him to purchase feminine hygiene products.
29. He’ll probably cook better rolls than you do; or your grandmother….
30. You won’t have to buy his clothing and lay out an outfit everyday before work.
31. You’ll save money on interior design and decorating for parties.
32. No secretly throwing that ten year old bottle of Elsha Cologne in the trash.
33. He won’t show up for your brother’s wedding looking like Alfalfa.
34. He could give you reliable advice on the fall fashions.
35. When he makes the bed (and he will) the pillow cases will match the sheets.
36. He won’t just give you long stem roses; he’ll grow them in the back yard.
37. He’ll know that people got over the scent of Brute in the 80’s.
38. You can always compare taste in men…okay, not so much.
39. He won’t gut his fish or pluck a duck in your kitchen sink.
40. He’ll sew your button on or mend your hemline while you shower for the party.
41. He won’t have that “natural scent” like Mathew McConaughey.
42. You can trust him to do the grocery shopping.
43. He’ll arrange the pantry and organize the linens.
44. He won’t compare you to Mom’s cooking; he’ll just make it himself.
45. No risky gun collection to lock up.
46. He’ll organize and alphabetize that CD or photo collection.
47. He won’t make you camp for a week on your honeymoon.
48. You can let him stress over the Thanksgiving dinner and brine the turkey.
49. He can tell you if you’re a “winter”, a “spring” or an “autumn”.
50. He won’t hang dead animals on the walls of your living room.
51. You won’t have to worry about him painting the exterior of your house in a truly ugly color scheme.
15 --on July 12th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
#1 is funny to me. My dad is a bishop and one of the girls (he never told me who) came to him for dating advice and said, “Boys just don’t date anymore! I hate it! I mean, take your son Ryan for example. He could have any girl he wants, but he doesn’t date!”
16 --on September 10th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
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