Who are you calling polite?
NOTE: My husband, -L-, suggests that I warn you from the start that this post is about (shhh) S-E-X, and makes reference to activities and body parts related thereunto. I have attempted to approach this subject light heartedly, without being overly glib, because I still want to be allowed to hang out with the polite company. (Of course, if -L- doesn’t stop grabbing my butt during church, the polite company will never invite us over. But don’t let that stop you from hanging out with us. We’re nice folks, folks. Really.)
A friend recently asked if I have a healthy sex life. I’m sure I’d get that question a lot if more people knew that I am married to a gay man. A flaming hot gay man. This would hardly be a problem if I were a gay man myself, but alas, I am merely a woman (hotness: moderate). And so we have some challenges where sex is concerned.
I knew that -L- was gay before I married him. I knew that sex would be tricky. Still, I sort of thought that after we got married sex would kind of work itself out–not that I thought he’d instantly (or ever) turn hetero, but that when given the opportunity to have plain old straight-person sex freely he’d be hooked. More specifically, I imagined a vagina (my vagina, in this case) as the ideal environment for a penis; and that wherever the mind might be, physiologically, he’d respond to the perfect penis cozy of the female reproductive system.
There were some snags, of course. For instance, I hadn’t considered the widely-held truism that men are more visual than women. It’s not just about how it feels. Visual stimulation before and during sex are crucial, and my womanly hotness (striking as it is) didn’t cut it. Also, I was pretty clumsy and inept with the, uh, equipment at first, and things never went as smoothly as they had in his private practice sessions. So we were off to a rough start.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s only a matter of time. You think his flaming hot gay man-ness and my straight (but hot) woman-ness are a recipe for disaster. Well, read on, my friend. Because there was something else I hadn’t planned on: the self-perpetuating erotic thrill of pleasing someone you love. Maybe my (smoking) hotness doesn’t turn him on, but turning me on does. And let me tell you, there is nothing better than a partner who is absolutely fixated on giving me a good time. And I like turning him on too.
Making that work for both of us sometimes means taking turns. Maybe it means trying less conventional positions and techniques. Maybe it means knowing that he thinks about men sometimes, but not freaking out about it. It definitely means talking openly about what works and what doesn’t. It definitely means having sense of humor about it. We don’t see sex as something we do once and master; it’s something we’ll figure out together over decades. Sex is good for us and good for our relationship. So we do what it takes to have sex. And for us, that constitutes a healthy sex life.
The fairy tale ideal of marriage is that both partners’ physical and emotional needs are simultaneously met with repeated, resounding orgasms. In the reality of my marriage, meeting all of those needs takes some maneuvering–both literally and metaphorically. But really? Whose marriage doesn’t? In a lot of ways, I don’t see our mixed-orientation situation as too vastly different from straight couples. For us, just like everyone else, compromise is crucial. More than a strict this-for-that arrangement, compromise is a willingness to defer to needs/desires of the other person. For other couples this probably means sometimes having sex when you’re not in the mood, or not having sex when you are in the mood. Or maybe it means focusing on emotional intimacy instead of physical intimacy. My point is that these aren’t things you can get all sorted out before marriage. But LDS couples all around you are doing it (ha!) every day. They marry as virgins without really knowing how compatible they are sexually. And then they make it work. Just like them, we didn’t know exactly how it was going to work before we got married, but we are committed to making it work nonetheless.
I know some of you are going to get caught up in all this talk of compromise and tell me, and/or -L- that we deserve better/more/whatever. And you’re right. We’re both missing out on some stuff. Even in my complete confidence in my (devastating) hotness, I still want to be wanted. It doesn’t go away. Sometimes I have dreams of being pursued by handsome strangers overcome by their desperate longing for me. It’s quite exciting, really. And I really really want it. And then I wake up and acknowledge that -L- may never long for me that way. And even though I know I’m (freakishly) hot, I’m sad.
And then I realize that -L- probably has the same dreams (maybe even with the same handsome stranger–we have similar tastes) and the same hollow feeling that he’s missing out on something that he really really wants. And I feel better — not because misery loves company, but because I know that we’ve both made sacrifices for something we both want more.
As I’ve been writing, I’ve been stealing glances at my baby girl sleeping next to my fuzzy dog on my comfortable queen-sized pillow bed. The scene fills my eyes with tears, not just because they are so astonishingly cute (they are!), but because my baby girl and my fuzzy dog and my pillow bed aren’t mine alone. They’re -L-’s too. And the reality of building a life and a home and a family with someone you love is as awesome as the fairy tales say.
1 --on May 3rd, 2007 at 1:31 pm
If Northern Lights accomplishes nothing more, FRM, it has gotten you to contribute your voice to the MoHo blog world, and I think that’s a wonderful thing. I also love your blogonym.
2 --on May 3rd, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Wow! You’ve given a voice (a flaming hot - get me a fire-extinguisher voice) to my wife’s feelings of the last 20+ years, although she’s more of a Relief Society President-type to express it in those terms. Thank you! My wife and I have made it work the same way you and -L- have made it work.
3 --on May 3rd, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Wow, all this sex talk… Time for a cold shower…
4 --on May 3rd, 2007 at 5:33 pm
I laughed my way through this entire thing, and thought it was awesome, and true-to-life. Good job.
5 --on May 3rd, 2007 at 10:22 pm
It is very true to life; Tito, I have ice cubes you can borrow.
FRM, what you’ve said is exactly what I feel with Miki, when speaking of the enjoying the fulfillment of our chosen spouse. It’s the best thing and best relations for me when she is fulfilled that way. It’s a matter of growing together, loving each other, and wanting to do what we can for our beloved spouse.
Thanks for contributing. You’re just as eloquent as your hubby. (Not really…you’re better. But I didn’t want to hurt his feel-gooders…)
6 --on May 4th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Wow, great writing!
7 --on May 4th, 2007 at 8:46 am
Oh, Mrs. -L-, you make me blush. But, your words ring so true.
8 --on May 4th, 2007 at 10:20 am
You know, I smiled as I initially read this and thought it was great to have the voice of a spouse. As I’ve had some time to chew over this stuff over the last day or so, my feeling of enthusiasm has deepened. This is great stuff. First, the raw and forthright nature of this post is fantastic. In general, we need to be able to talk about sex more within Mormon culture. I was in a Deseret Book the other day, and they had listed as one of their best sellers Laura Brotherson’s And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. I don’t know how often they list non-DB-published materials as their best sellers, but I was pleasantly surprised to see this—particularly after the fact that Deseret Book initially wouldn’t carry the book because of what was regarded as some questionable content.
To have more frank discussion of sexuality concerning those dealing with this issue is very liberating. I can only see it as being a very good thing.
9 --on May 4th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
I second the seconds of the marrieds here about this experience with sex. What can really rev my engine is knowing that I’m turning my wife on. It makes me feel manly and husbandly. The other vital point is that sex is an mutual experience you can grow into. It doesn’t have to be mind blowing every time. But you have to be able to talk about it. I like to say (and I said it at the AMCAP conference on Dan Gray’s panel) that the most important sex organ is your mouth. (And I’m not referring to oral sex!)
So the surprising thing for me is how fulfilling sex with my wife is now. Going into the marriage, I didn’t have the expectation that it would be as great as my fantasies and (quite limited) experience with men had been. If sex with men was an orange, I wasn’t expecting sex with my wife to be an orange (or even another citrus), but an apple. I didn’t know what it tasted like (being a virgin), but I knew it wouldn’t be like what I had experienced (even if only in my dreams).
I think that’s important. The other important expectation is that being able to have lots of sex with your wife is going to make the other urges go away. They’re different. And when you start being sexual, the genie can really come out of the bottle. A lot of guys I know (SSA or OSA) have been quite successful with chastity while single, but as soon as they get married it becomes a huge problem. It’s like this beast is awakened and they have no experience with how to tame it. In this way, being chaste can be harder for some than it was when they were entirely celibate. And merely having sex as often as you want, even if that were actually possible in a marriage all the time, doesn’t necessarily make those other temptations go away. I think it’s helpful to view your heterosexual relationship with your wife and your homosexual desires as entirely separate; no amount satisfaction of the one is going to help the other.
I had that expectation, and I still think it’s a good one for anyone in my shoes going into marriage. But quite to my surprise, I have discovered that this is not entirely true. Over the years, sex for me has become MORE fulfilling. Sometimes it’s even mind-blowing, but I’ve come to enjoy the fulfilling stuff more than the mind-blowing stuff. The afterglow lasts a lot longer, and it strengthens our relationship, I think. The experience of giving yourself to another, and of trusting that person, and of being there in the morning and helping with the dishes or whatnot, is mutually reinforcing; it’s a virtuous circle. Of course you can imagine things spiraling downhill through an opposite circle.
But the more this virtuous circle makes me want to be faithful, and so makes me want to indulge that “handsome stranger” less and less. I am still VERY aware of how hot he is. So it’s not to say I’m not tempted, it’s just that I want to give into that temptation less.
Of course all this could fall apart quite easily. But that won’t have changed what is happening now. Perhaps my marriage will become a desert of lonliness and sexual deprivation at some point. But it won’t be accurate for me to claim, 10 or 15 years hence, that it was like that the ENTIRE marriage. Right now at least, my marriage is anything but that.
10 --on May 4th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Ardent Mormon, feel free to interpret this anyway you like: I love your wife. She’s amazing! :)
11 --on May 4th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
borealis, you said: “The other important expectation is that being able to have lots of sex with your wife is going to make the other urges go away.”
I’m assuming you meant: “…is NOT going to make the other urges go away…”?
12 --on May 5th, 2007 at 12:59 am
Tito, I think you’re right…
13 --on May 5th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Might I suggest “FlameResistantMormon” ?
14 --on May 5th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Wow. You MoHos could get a girl hooked on blogging, what with all the compliments and support and enthusiasm and what not. Thank you for the warm welcome!
I admit that I expected more disagreement. I almost included a paragraph of disclaimers stating that our arrangement isn’t for everyone, and that I’m not suggesting mixed-orientation-marriage as a universal solution. But I realized I couldn’t anticipate every objection, so I decided to wait and see what came up. Imagine my surprise! Anyway, I still want to go on record saying that our situation is unique (and not just because I’m so ridiculously hot). Indivual results will vary. Consult a diety before beginning any sexual/marriage program.
15 --on May 6th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Yes, Tito. I meant to put NOT in there. Sometime I’ll have to post additional thoughts of mine on Laura Brotherson’s book, but in the meantime, I do recommend that people page through it if they get a chance, if only to form an opinion.
16 --on May 8th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Playa, I think she’s helping -L- take the flame down a couple notches. I like it.