Northern Lights

[Editor’s note: This is a follow up from parts 1, 2, and 3 published a while back. Drex will soon marry Salad. They blog here. This series of questions was submitted by a blog reader.]

For those that don’t know me, I’m Drex. I’m a 23-year-old guy, engaged to a fantastic 23-year-old gal. I’ve consciously ’struggled’ with SSA since middle school, and now that I’m mostly through college I’ve found that while it’s still there, it’s not as much of a struggle. Beyond that, the gospel has always and will always come first in my life.

1. Many single SSA guys fear or hate dating for a variety of reasons. Dating presents unique challenges for SSA guys. Could you summarize your dating life while you were single ( i.e., did you date a lot?)?

I didn’t date very much. As a teen, I was a homebody with a small (but tight) circle of friends, so I wasn’t horribly social. Being relegated to the nerd/geek clique didn’t help, either. I suppose that was a convenient excuse to not date, though. Honestly, I wasn’t interested in serious relationships before my mission, though I had one (psycho) girlfriend my freshman year of college. After the mission was a bit more involved, but still not horribly diverse. I kinda dated 2 or 3 girls, but for the most part kept myself busy enough with school and extra-curricular activities that I wasn’t suspect for not dating much. And I always preferred staying at home with my cousins and playing games or whatever.

2. Please describe your courtship with your [fiancé]. How did you decide to get married? How long did you date? How did you know marriage was the right thing to do?

We’ve had a very unconventional courtship and engagement. I met Salad when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman at BYU. She was the roommate of my ex-girlfriend, who I was still trying to maintain a friendship with. Salad claims she knew we’d get married from the very beginning, but at that point I was very focused on getting ready for a mission. She saw me off at the MTC and wrote me every week of my mission, and I think I got a response off about every other letter. I got back, and she came on pretty strong. I’ve never wondered if she was interested in me, but I tried to push her away. She was my best friend, but I wasn’t interested in more than that. Eventually I came out to her, and a year later we started dating. What sparked that? Honestly, all of a sudden it felt like the right thing to do. It’s not that I felt all that differently, but that the Spirit said to go for it and trust that things would be okay. Then marriage was the same way - it felt like the right decision. There have been no spiritual manifestations promising ease or comfort in our relationship and upcoming marriage, but there have been assurances that things are right. We’ve known each other for 5 years, but the ‘dating’ lasted less than three months before we plowed through to engagement. In our situation it was right, but I think that every couple in any relationship need to seriously evaluate the strength of their relationship and how quickly (or not) they want to take things.

3. I think the common consensus for SSA guys is that they should tell their girlfriend about their trial before getting married. Do you agree?

Heck yes. (that is for emphasis!) I am of the opinion that open and honest communication is requisite to any successful relationship, and especially in a mixed orientation relationship. The first few dates probably end up being about the same as a straight dating situation - you’re spending the time getting to know each other on a fairly surface level, see if any clicking goes on and if you enjoy each other’s company. Once things start getting serious and there’s some exclusiveness to the situation, I would consider telling her. As a relationship progresses, more and more non-verbal signs are read by a girl, and you want to be clear on the basis of those signs. For example, I have SSA friends who really enjoy cuddling with basically anything that moves. Cuddling with a girl often is a signal to show commitment in her eyes, unless she’s a like-minded uber-cuddler, too, or unless she’s in on what’s going on. Miscommunication is going to happen if big secrets hang over your heads or lurk in the shadows, and she can’t love the whole you if you’re holding back. If you think there’s some spark there, trust that she’ll be able to handle the new news. It may take time, but ask almost anyone who has opened up to their girlfriend/fiancé/spouse, and they’ll likely reaffirm that it’s a good move.

4. Many single LDS guys with SSA seem to struggle with depression, either because of medical reasons or because of the uncertainty, heartache, and confusion associated with this trial. Did you experience such feelings when you were single?

I have never really dealt with depression related to SSA. I had what I consider mild depression when I moved to another state my senior year of high school, but it was nothing like what many of my SSA peers have gone through. One tangential thing I want to touch on is how much SSA struggling tends to grip me - when in a relationship with a girl, my focus is more on her and our relationship than with the fact that I’m attracted to guys. Sure, attractions are there, but they aren’t at the forefront of my mind. Straight dating is by no means a cure and shouldn’t be viewed that way, but it is another weapon in the arsenal to fight back SSA struggling, and by extension, the feelings of loathing, pity, depression, etc. that accompany them.

5. Most of us single guys (if not all) struggle with masturbation and many struggle with pornography. A heterosexual relationship with a woman does not eliminate these desires. On the other hand, single SSA guys should not think they have to be perfect in order to seek out marriage. This issue is delicate since unrestrained indulgence is obviously inappropriate and perfection seems near daunting. This issue weighs on the mind of nearly every single SSA guy out there. Could you give us your insights and opinions regarding this topic that we may find helpful?

Masturbation and pornography are a bit of a touchy subject in the church, and not just because they’re considered wrong - different church leaders will give completely different advice, counsel, and guidelines depending on who you ask. I had a bishop who told me I was making too big a deal out of it. A mission president who said that confessing was the first step, then forsaking - and since I’d confessed, all I had to do was forsake. Some bishops require 2 or 3 months of abstinence before allowing for a temple recommend. Some withhold the sacrament. Others offer obscure advice, tell you not to do it again, and send you on your merry way. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that a bishop assigned x number of Hail Marys or 10 hours of community service.

There is some consensus, and that is that the church considers masturbation and pornography wrong - pornography more actively and vocally than masturbation. Avoiding situations that put you through temptation cannot be stressed enough. Putting up barriers that will affect YOU is also important. There are computer programs and such to help - ones that block offending sites, ones that send a copy of your internet history to a trusted friend, ones that pop up warnings…since everyone’s different, only you will know what works for you. I have a particularly vivid imagination, so I try to avoid anything that will lead to a crush. I can stifle attractions, but crushes are harder for me to block out. The other consensus is that the Atonement covers sins of masturbation and pornography. Confess to and get help from your church leaders, and seek the guidance of the Spirit in determining the correct course to free yourself from the addictions you face.

I think that’s about it. (: